A few days ago, I had a dream. A dream that I never would have dreamed of having again. It was a happy dream, but rather a melancholic aftertaste.
After seven years, I never thought I'd "see" you again. Feeling so warm to "see" your smile, to have you with me again. The entire dream could be explained, I could find the movies, passages, and so on that stimulated the neurons to project such images into my brain so to have such restless "flashback". But no, I chose to take on a personal side, to be with myself, my heart.
I still remember the words you've said back then. The things you liked, or not liked. The place that you've always liked to go. Whenever I see them, I can't control myself from having these thoughts again. Truth, I shouldn't be anymore after so many years. Still, I'd let myself loose, maybe once again.
I never thought I was good enough. You were right. It was a bitter taste. As days went by, I never stopped to ponder if my decision was wise, rational, or even mature. Perhaps too wise, too rational, and too mature for kids like us back then. Or more like, not irrational enough for me. I didn't try hard enough when I thought I did what I could under the circumstances, or made the best choice given what I perceived to follow. Even if all that might've been true, I still have remorse, my mind never did stop to surprise myself with new pictures. I admit, time does wash the memories away and I am getting old and tired, starting to forget pieces by pieces of my important memories even so unwilling.
The decision made, I was optimistic. Until one day shortly after, I started to feel incomplete no matter how I lived my days, the taste of regrets swirled inside of me. I tried, not sure if you realized that I did, but I tried to maintain everything, to keep things going, hoping that patience would pay off one day. Maybe I really wasn't trying hard enough. I was too naive, overly optimistic.
Even after a while, I kept on trying. Hoping for a glimpse of luck that things could have another turn around the corner. The circumstances at that time didn't really gave me much of a boost but that didn't stop me from leaving you a message. But Your response was very clear. I chose to be stubborn, or the synonym is "determined". Blindsided. Years passed by. Your words were still never shy to me, always so true, so sharp, so vivid. I accepted.
"I'm sorry." That is what I really want you to know. I was never fooling around with you, even though you probably think I did because what I said was probably an excuse in your mind. I really loved you. Every word, promises that I made as much as I could remember, I meant them. Too late.
Why am I writing this now, I asked myself the same question. I am not looking to amend, or to hope that start-over is ever an option. Perhaps I just wish somehow you'd have walked by and read it. Perhaps I want you to know.
New Year's eve marked the end of realistic wisdom, one filled with unpleasant and cruel events. One that I am not fascinated to experience again. Nonetheless, it taught me what I much needed.
Many years, hasn't it? Things've changed. You too, without a question. So did I. Life has an interesting way to slap you in the face. If, and only if....but who is to know anyway.
I wish, and never stop wishing, that you are happy, and will continue to be happy. ^_^
All the best to You.
O_O
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